Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
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yall want some gasoline milk
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
c’mon!
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.