Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
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“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Hey i am sexy to you now
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
become ungovernable
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.