[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
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An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
6. me as a lawyer
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”