Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
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Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
This is my pinned tweet
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.