Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
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My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Come back with a warrant
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys