I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
ouch
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.