DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
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I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.