If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?