Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Owl Sanctuary
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
He-man has a Masters degree