If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I need to update my racial profile.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.