Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
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My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.