Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
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When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.