Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.