Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
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My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.