Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?