To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
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Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
you gotta be faster
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.