My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
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*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine