Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
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I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.