If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best