going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
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Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose