Become ungovernable.
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I only eat vegetarians.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…