*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.