[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
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You had me at “define legal”.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Living the best life.. 😊
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
A choir of Spring onions
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
fair
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.