Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
San Francisco has too many rules
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.