Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
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My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
cause of death:
autopsy.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15