DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
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Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Pringles
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I hope this email finds you in a well
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
can’t bark with your mouth full