Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
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mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I can also cook 😂
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.