My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
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Oh hi lol
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.