When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
You Might Also Like
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I WON A HAM TODAY
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
i will not be silenced