A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
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My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.