yall want some gasoline milk
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me