Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
🙁
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.