Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
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i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now