Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
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I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
This is me
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
🤣🤣
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.