“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
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Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
sliding into dms like
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
B
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”