if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
You Might Also Like
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job