Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me, in DM rooms…
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”