“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
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Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
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Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?