It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
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so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
*has no idea what a book even is*
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here