I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
love it when they get my name right
Yup!
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
that’s really how it is
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason