Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME