Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
being a writer on Twitter:
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.