I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
You Might Also Like
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony