One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
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[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba