The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
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LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.