Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Tuesday
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same