“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
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[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
2022 will be better than 2021
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.