Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
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My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
my dog when i have a friend over
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???