Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
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Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best