Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I think I’m having a stroke
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand